Say It Right

Tonight I was the most calm internally than I have been in a while. I usually feel all wound up and I have to work hard to appear relaxed. Yet, when presented with the opportunity to discuss something that has been on my mind for a while with the person that I have been wanting to talk to, I still found myself unable to. I am a pretty open person. I have no trouble answering nearly any personal question I’m presented; however, sitting someone down and talking about something that has been on my mind (something deep, not anything like a movie, book, etc.) proves to be a rather challenging task.

I will go over and over it in my head. I’ll know exactly what I want to say and how to say it. Yet, when the time comes, I just fumble over my words. I’m usually (over) analyzing what I’m going to say even while I’m saying it. So I tend to try to go back and reword what I’ve already said. This usually just confuses (and annoys) the other person.

I’ll also just wait until it is too late. Like, when I had a crush on this guy in college. He knew that I liked him, but I never told him. And I waited until I dropped out and went back to visit some friends before telling him that. I think it was easier because I wouldn’t have to stick around and be reminded every day of what a fool I was.

Now I find myself doing practically the same thing. There is stuff that I want to tell my friend that is important for me to get out. It’s just the idea of the words leaving my mouth that proves too frightening for me to actually follow through with doing so. I was going to wait right up until he was leaving (he is moving back to Spain in a few months) to talk to him, but I know that is doing what I always do. I suspect he already knows what it is that I’m going to say, but I still have say it for myself. Because, while I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my life, I will regret not doing something.

So I’ve told him that I have to talk to him and that I’m having trouble doing so whenever the opportunity presents itself. Now, until Wednesday night, I’m probably going to feel really anxious. I also know that it isn’t going to be as horrific an experience as I think it could be and that my anxiety isn’t necessary. But not feeling nervous is a lot easier said than done.