It’s been about two weeks now since I’ve sat down and written a proper blog, but I’m at a much better place now. I still have a bunch of shit going on at work, but I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude about it. I’m working hard (not that I wasn’t before) and hopefully that will pay off.
This past week or so I have been thinking about how I have very few friends here. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I was trying to determine why that is. I think that I am a very interesting person, but maybe most of the time I don’t let people see that aspect of me. I was an extroverted person growing up; however, I think as I got a little older and began realizing that I was different, but not knowing in what way, I started retreating. In middle school, I became a soft speaker. I barely spoke above a whisper. And I’m not sure if this is the case for other soft speakers, but it actually sounded, to me, as though I was talking at a normal tone. To do that, I would have to yell. That went on until I was probably 20 or so. I met my best friend (1 of 3) and self appointed Big Sister. He said that if I hung out with him, that I would come out of my shell. Many had tried, and all had failed…until he came along. While I do contribute it mostly to him, I also believe that coming out played a big role.
Yes, coming out was definitely a very interesting process for me. I’ll probably get into some horror stories about some of my experiences in later blogs, but I should probably stick close to my topic. Anyway, if I didn’t have my Big Sister there to drag me out to the club (or even just out during the day on the weekend), I think I would have just confined myself to only leaving my apartment to go to and from work. And once I was out, it wasn’t like I let myself get all wild and crazy. I would normally just get a drink and then go stand off somewhere w/ my Big Sister. To this day, I still freak out (in my head) whenever I have to interact with a stranger. It is one of the most uncomfortable things for me to have to do. I tend to be very quiet and need someone else to keep the conversation going. Which, I’ll admit, isn’t a big turn on for the other person. It definitely doesn’t make me seem very interesting.
Nowadays, though, I’m really determined to get out and meet new people, although, I dread going to the bars by myself. But how else is one supposed to meet people? You may be thinking WORK, but, eh, I see those people all day every day and really don’t want to get drunk and make a fool of myself in front of a co-worker (which I’ve made the mistake of doing, but I wasn’t actually out w/ them, I just ran into them). So THANK GOD for MySpace. I’ve actually met two friends through the site, one of them being Adam. I actually met a guy back in January, and it was a horrible experience. I can laugh now, but at the time it was miserable and slightly pathetic. This guy that I had been chatting with insisted on meeting up. I stressed to him that this would not be a date, because I had just gotten out of one and was not looking for anything but friends (and no, not even a fuck buddy). Long story short, he proceeded to get drunk and announce that he was deeply in love with me. It’s a lot funnier when I recount it in person, but I digress.
Actually, on the topic of MySpace, I have been chatting with this new fellow. He’s a little bit of a hipster. He’s into art, comics and Charmed. Yep, a big ol’ dork. But a cute dork. We’ve been conversing now for a few weeks and have decided to finally meet up tomorrow night. While we are meeting just as friends (again, I’m still not looking for anything other than that, which will be the case for a while), I’m still really nervous. All the old feelings (scared, freaking out) are bubbling back up to the surface. If I had to go out by myself to meet him, I think would be such a nervous wreck that I would cancel. Honestly. So thank god for Adam and Brad. They are hopefully going to join me for drinks and this MySpace guy may meet up with us. It should prove interesting, and I’ll definitely post about it. I’m a little excited now actually. I think having my friends there will help w/ the whole social anxiety thing.
Actually, I’m really excited about the idea of getting to spend time with my best friend (another one). I don’t feel like I have been able to spend much quality time with him lately. Also, I feel the most comfortable around him, so I always look forward to being around him. Being around him actually calms me down. I’ve never met anyone that does that for me.
Well, I think I have written enough. Come back this weekend for an update or two. If I can get this fuckin’ site that I’m using to upload music to actually work, then I will also have a new song up in the next couple of days.
Take care
xoxoxo
1 comment:
Yay!! Drinks!
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